I am still here

 

I am still here

The game

cinnamon, paint,

chickens we do not need, gardens that do not feed us

We keep shuffling forward

Playing at house and peace and learning

But I am still here

Even if I can save no one

Not even myself

Even if my best is not good enough

Even as in distant lands the war rages

Even as our houses crumble and we

and our neighbors

shoot ourselves up

With whatever we can get our hands on

Electric dreams, virtual hugs

Cans, viles, pipes

of temporary rightness

Maybe one day i will be bold

And sunshine will flow from my lips and fingertips

Or i will fly from a bridge up

Up into the either

But today I, you,

we have made it through another day

Even as my world crumbles into craziness

Or I see the craziness of how our world was created

How futile to be born just to fight dying

Crazy crazy people

Give up the fight

You can not win

Kneel down

Kneel down

Kneel down and give up

Caste aside the illusions of what our enemies are

Cast aside your fight

Oh great being we so want you to exist

To save us from meaninglessness.

Oh sweet belief

Come down and kiss us

Carry this burden for us

But if i let go

Let go deep

Deep into the gorge

Of the pain,

there,

For an instant I feel relief

There i see again

I am still here.

Again I taste the bitter sweetness

And tomorrow I may stand

Waiting before the sunlight

Knowing i do not know

I will step forward

Goodbye

 Today I drove my friend to have her most beautiful dog, Olivia, put to sleep. In her honor a poem came for all the goodbyes I have made or ever will make.  Today could be our last day. I will love while I can.  

Goodbye Olivia and your sweet loving eyes, pools of wonder, and the little stick or gift you would bring me every time I came over. 

Goodbye Beaver, your beauty and unending devotion 

Goodbye Ray and your sexy lopsided smile and your stories of galavanting through the world

Goodbye to my children being babies I can hold

Goodbye to nursing and falling asleep with a baby in my arms

Goodbye to toddlers running through my house

Goodbye to being the mother of giddy children who dance and do somersaults on the couch

Goodbye to endless hours of reading to children in bed

Goodbye to my youthful skin and long dark hair

Goodbye to having a young sexy body 

Goodbye to the joy of playing dressing up and admiring my maidenhood

Goodbye to big eyes to put mascara on

Goodbye to talking to my best friend on the phone for hours

And Goodbye to the years my mother was my best friend and we reveled in the joy of having been brought together

Goodbye to my mother

And to my father, getting ready to leave this world

My protectors and admires. 

Goodbye to the drama and excitement of youth and being in love for the first time 

Goodbye to innocence and hopes and dreams

Goodbye falling in love with writing and dancing and music

Goodbye to my children, I hope I leave first and you weep and weep and then have a beautiful world to carry on in

Goodby to partners and all the pulling and struggling we did

And all the sharing and being there for each other

Goodbye to gardens and trees and leaves and all the wonderful sounds of the world

And the million of shades of color

Goodbye cold air and warm sun and moon light

Goodbye to the hum of life and tortured humanity, I love you and forgive you

And I am so grateful to have seen you and felt you.