offer me a poem
because i thought
if i wrote mine all down
i could release the unneeded stories
absorb the truth
But i find myself
again
in that place
laying in bed,
waking in the morning
moving through the day
lost in the wilds of being human
fear of death
or suffering
knowing even in my safest moments
others
multitudes of others
are suffering
in pain
lonely
watching others hurt
trust falling like a wounded branch
from a tree
never to be attached again.

i find myself lost in the yellow light of sunset
in the middle of the day.
in my mind
flood waters are moving
firestormes are raging
threats are being made
adults are being forced to do nothing
and children are left without safe mud to play in

i really thought all the words i wrote
would be a balm
at least to myself
and now they are gone
meaningless
lost in the maze of all things past
so i search
for a new poem
new words
to find
to release
to sooth
i search in the sun light
in the soft breeze
in memories
and stories
in the skin of my child skin as i massage his shoulders
an in
to the depth again
to understanding
our place
i search

I'm sorry if I couldn't love you
I'm sorry you couldn't dance with me
I'm sorry if its over
I'm sorry if the trees die
I'm sorry if you never get to grow up
I'm sorry I failed
I'm sorry if your city gets bombed
or ours
if your children die
I'm sorry if I don't understand
I'm sorry if we didn't understand the fight
or what was happening
I'm sorry I didn't hear you
I'm sorry if I said it wrong and you couldn't hear me
I'm sorry you hurt
I'm sorry that I'm hopeless
I'm sorry if my words don't help
I'm sorry if you are so lost in the sickness you hate me
or the other beautiful scard people of this earth
I'm sorry if I don't want to help you
that I'm too tired
I'm sorry that fear turns my bones to lead mud
or shaking dried dead leaves
I'm sorry its such a shitty design.

I just wanted to live
and to be loved
to smile at you
and be seen
to have you shine love back at me
I just wanted to care for you
to have children and have them grow up
to be proud
to cuddle grandchildren
to leave knowing
it was all going to be ok
that my children
or at least your children
would go on

We all deserve
at least for a moment
to be looked at like a brilliant flower
our color stunning
breath taking
our lines
creases
so elegant
so right
We all deserve
to try and go on
to eat from the earth
and drink from the rivers
to feel the water, it's sacred caress
slide down our throats
We all deserve
to fight for our own life
to walk on the soil
If you were born you have the right to sit down and pee when the water needs to come back out
and to jump in the fucking beautiful cold lake when you want
and to scream at the sky that it hurts and is beautiful and you don't know why
We all deserve
to die
trying
or crying
and to let our bodies
go back

I went to school for years
they tried to teach me
so many many things
But
They never tamed
the  animal in me
all the way
I may snarl fight back
or help
or try
or
I may just freeze, roll over
but before I do
let me at least write this last poem

There is no law
no agreement
that I ever made
that I ever agreed to
It's not my army
or money system
I never asked for the fences
or the poison in the water
I never requested all the bricks
the the weapons, the wooden chairs or the prisons
and all the hatred
just makes me cry
But since I don't even believe in my own free will
I don't believe in yours either
and so I forgive you
and myself
I forgive all of us
back to the first man who powered over a woman
who raped her
who forced her to cover her beautiful full breasts
I forgive all the atrocities
I know nothing
nothing
nothing
nothng
about
that make my stomach revolt
just to consider
just to picture in my mind
I forgive this screwed up maze of abuse
spiraling back
so far I loose track
the lords and kings, the crusades
the slave ships,
all that I don't
don't
don't
understand
because I was not there
was not you
all the millions
and billions
of you's
and your tears
and volcanos of pain

And even if you didn't ask to be forgiven
for risking
killing
everything I love
for making me have to choose what i tell my children
and now that they worry
for killing
my hope
I now
give forgiveness
to you
and to myself