Before, when all the ideas were grand, when the music was swelling and I could see my smile shining on your face.
When every inch of your skin was a silky land, unexplored. when we scooped up shinny gems like snow flakes that fell from the sky.
Before my bicycle tire was frozen in the snow and the chain rusted.
Before I looked up at the sky and saw endlessness.
Before, when the intricate branches against the pastel sky were lace not just sad perfect shapes. Before the uncaring beauty settled into my heart and I saw how little I meant
How my small sadness would never end
Before I dropped my jar of hope on the hard sidewalk
And I helplessly watched the contents spread,
and soak into the cracks.
Before the laptop was broken, the cheap batteries dead,
My toes cold and my kid sick.
Before all the food that was left was bland and tasteless
But now the fight is almost over
We are loosing
And my faith that we can smile at the sunset is diminished.
No hunger here
No low or high
No cravings or urges to bite
No more desire
The sheets are dirty and ripped
No reason to fix or fight
Or clean
All that I would protect
Is doomed
Is numb
A moving frame in a distant box
Because I do not have another tear
I can't carry another scream.
I don't want to join another
Any other
I am the waking dead
The crumbling human
I am the dry brown leaf
Waiting to be stepped on
Flattened, crushed under your shoe
Buried under the shit of stars smeared on the bottom of your boot.
If you say the world is shit
I may slide on it towards you
Or away
I may go sledding down a mountain of shit
I may slip
Loose my grip
Trying to scramble back up the loose stinking mess
sliding backwards
Nothing to hold onto that stays
That is sturdy
To help me reach you
I might grab a handful of it
and throw it at you
Hit you in the face
If that's what you believe
If I pick up a bucket full of sunshine and pour it over you and you believe it's shit
It might stink to you. Soak you, coat you
And would I, could I, lick you off?
Or leave you alone to wallow in the sty?
Grope your own way out?
Would I play mud pies with you?
Forget the smell with you?
Make cob bricks?
Build a warm cabin?
Or just sit down in my own pile and weep at the hopeless mess we are in?
Did you know before you were born what you were choosing?
Because you believe in something bigger
But I don't
I only believe in you and me
And now
And the long painful expanse of history
The slow swelling and dying of the universe
The dying sun
The lonely dog
The stories of love and torture
And neglect
I only believe in your body
And mine
And the bed you made
the soft sheets spread under us, over us, the warmth from the heater, the glass in the window
and the cold outside.
I only believe in snowflakes and broken hearts and creamy yogurt.
The crazy mix of fresh water, childrens laughter and clogged pipes.
I only believe in gifts and rape
And dull pencils
Regret and joy and ripe apples
I know nothing of after life or meaning
Or gods in the sky.
And though I may dream of angels and fairies and golden spirits they are nothing to sun beams, weaker than the shadow of volcanos that were flattened millions of years ago.
And I would trade every God, all the blessings and kisses of all the angels, for your skin,
I would trade it all to touch and see
your face
smeared with sweat and pain and dirt
and the sweet real shit of earth and to tell you it is beautiful
and have you believe me.
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