Dancing in sunlight. Or is it ok to say you are in love with yourself?

         This is a video I shot of myself a few weeks ago at my friends house in Oakland, I was dancing to Cat Power.  I am working on a song of my own to put to this, not done with it yet.  Watching myself, I am in love with my hair, like the element of the earth made liquid. So beautiful, then my thoughts... "Is it ok to say I am in love with myself?" Why do I have fear to write that?  As I look at it I'm not only stunned by my beauty, but I think about all the years I felt insecure... about being flat chested, short legs, big arms and shoulders, I thought I was not feminine looking, that I had funny teeth, a pug nose.  Now I worry about aging and wrinkles and grey hairs, and sometimes I still worry how people see me, how I dress; too frumpy? too dressy? too sexy? Are they judging my underarm hair?  How crazy!!! Look how beautiful I am! And even now as I write this I judge myself for showing off my gifts, attributes that our culture says are "good."  The voice in my head says "well you are a skinny white woman with 'good' hair, nothing special to show off there! You're just lucky to be part of the privileged, what's deemed beautiful."  But the part of me that falls in love with my beauty, that also falls in love with all those around me, the world, the flowers, the water, that part, says "NO! You are made from stars, you and everyone else and you ALL deserve to shine!"  WE all want to be seen and glow, we are all magical. This is what a year and a half away from 50 looks like for me, I am going to celebrate! 

          I also think about how my posting dances, images like this might awaken others to judge themselves. And I see, yes, I was given gifts, this healthy strong body, this gift of movement. I imagine for some they might have a real and justified feeling of envy, sadness about their own bodies. Bodies that hurt, that they don't love, that others have hurt, violated, that they feel shame of.  I can only imagine what others experiences are like, but I can imagine grief being a real and valid response. We all deserve to have bodies and spirits we love and can celebrate, that are honored by others. We are all wounded in so many ways. For many of us our wounds include being taught a lifestyle that doesn't support our bodies being fully healthy, and abuse of our bodies. For me although I have been given the gift of a healthy body, I have escaped physical trauma, like everyone else I struggle. I awaken at night tortured with pain, loss and regret. The people around me struggle, we try to connect over and over and often can't seem to find the path. We love each other and we feel hurt by each other.  But now I see all that struggle, those wounds can also be gifts, for they are the flip side of joy and connection. So... what is my final thought.... that obstacles, stepping over logs and climbing mountains makes our legs strong, and struggling with connection and love make our spirits strong.  It is my belief that we are made from exploding stars and the energy of the sun and in so creation and destruction are one and the same.  Mother earth opens violently over and over to bring fresh elements up to the surface to feed life. Human life mirrors that, mothers' bodies are ripped open in pain to give birth. We hurt each other and are hurt.  We can not exist without pain.  We can not feel joy without grief, we can not know love without pain.  May we all honor and respect each other. May we all know we are made from stars and may we all struggle and rejoice in body and spirit.