Here is my prescription for the vast majority of us: You need to be in a relatively safe place outside with others

You are

You took a truth serum And it told you you were sad It showed you the nature of locking doors And what we feel each time we turn the key The message we hear with the click “Remember… the time The story….” “You are not safe” “The world is scary” And it is You are predator And prey You are the wild deer running in fear And the wild boar trapped in a cage The timid rabbit hiding in a hole The bear ready to fight to the death to defend your cubs And then you saw you were nothing but an animal the social baboon the shamed and excitable dog looking for approval But you are also the squirrel or the bobcat And even if no one notices how gracefully you scale trees or bound from buildings or rocks How amazing your strength and agility You are nonetheless grand and beautiful And when you are sad you sing the most beautiful intricate loon song that was ever sung

Blamming cats

To those of you worried about cats killing birds. Before you blame the cats Blame the pavement, the driveways and parking lots with no tree Before you blame the cats Blame the cars The streets with no bushes or fruits, no places to hide Before you blame the cats Blame the lawns with no flowers, no pollen or seeds Before you blame the cats Blame the rows and rows poison at the hardware store Being lifted off the shelves and sprayed on yards Before you blame the cats Blame the mono cropping And the sterile fields Being spread full of toxins Before you blame the cats Blame the companies, the investors and politicians who designed our city and country not for people and animals, not for beauty and life, but for short term gain and money Blame yourself and the rest of us, our parents and grandparents for letting it happen And then stop blaming Get out of your car if you use one Write your alderperson or talk to your landlord Help at a community garden Stop mowing your lawn plant some milkweed for the monarch butterflies Or some dill for the swallowtails Plant some sunflowers for the finches and bee balm for the humming birds Or a honey berry or June berry for the cedar waxwings Build up the soil with your compost for the worms that the robins love And then sit on your front stoop Watch the bugs fly and the birds flutter and swoop And talk to the children on the corner as they smile at and pet the cat that has come to say hello.

Debate about masks, our reaction to covid and risks of "The War on Covid"

 

My Alderman and i were having a heated online debate about a new mask mandate the city had put in place until March 1st. This is my last reply that got a little long..

 

Continuing our debate on whether mask mandates are helpful or not I am going to switch from masks to an analogise discussion of cars/bikes, seatbelts and bike helmets to see if we can clarify where I stand on this issue in a less heated discussion. 

Helmet analogy

My sister has brain damage. My father was the head of the Wisconsin Brain Trauma Association for a while in the 80’s. I know that bike helmets can save lives and brains. I believe they can work. I also know and believe that seat belts can save lives. Now that said I wear a seatbelt almost all the time. It can be a minor hassle, like maybe in the summer it might rub my neck, but really it is nothing. I appreciated the propaganda campaign back in the day to buckle up. I don’t wear a bike helmet all the time. I wear one when I go on longer rides and through downtown etc. I don’t wear one when I am going short distances in my neighborhood of Riverwest or along the bike path. A bike helmet is not detrimental to me at all but it does decrease my enjoyment and quality of life a little bit when I wear one. I love letting my head breath and feeling the wind and sun. 

To clarify, even though helmets can save lives, different places with different circumstances make different choices. Some countries in Europe have way more people on bikes and way less people use bike helmets and it is still safer to ride a bike there because the road and bike path infrastructures are designed better, so bike helmets are not needed. Citizens and lawmakers in those countries are not being thoughtless and uncaring. They know that although bike helmets can save lives and brains they are not needed because the risk is so low because riding is relatively safe because of how the built environment has been designed. Accidents can still happen, and do, but they are rare enough that the loss of quality of life is not worth it. Like people do die falling down stairs but we do not outlaw or stop building stairs because the quality of life of being able to build two story homes is worth more than the risk.  

Creative journey into the future

Now let’s go on a creative journey into the future. Let's say the reckless driving incidents in Milwaukee keep increasing and a number of bikers are killed. So you, the Alder persons, decide to pass a law that people have to wear them all the time on bikes. I would be angry because I think I have the wisdom to know when I should wear one. I would understand your logic but would rather you focus on the reasons behind the reckless driving itself, not making me choose between wearing a helmet or breaking the law. 

Now lets keep going with this train of thought. Let's say a company like the one that was putting scouters on the street moved into town and they started putting super fast and cheap little green cars on the road that anyone could access with their phone and drive off in. The rash of reckless driving increases dramatically. Kids that don’t even know how to drive are jumping in them. The company is advertising on TV. The government is giving them tax breaks because they are contributing to political campaigns etc.  We have a huge increase of fatalities in crashes including ones where bikers and pedestrians get killed. So our Alder persons are super concerned and decide to pass a new law that all pedestrians and people near cars, bikes and roads need to wear a bike helmet. Now even though I know/believe that bike helmets can save lives and brains I am beyond astounded. I am angry and offended. I don’t think that bike helmets pose any danger nor any deep emotional and physical drawbacks, but I am angered by the laws that once again make me have to choose to break the law or not and that do not address the real problem. The root problem of the issue is not being addressed and the number of lives saved by helmets being worn all the time is now very indirect. What we really need to do then is address a number of issues. We need to stop the advertising of dangerous cars. We need to regulate their use. We need a long term plan to design safer roads and a better mass transit system. We can go deeper and address poverty, meaninglessness, lack of education and depression that lead to reckless behavior by providing even better infrastructure and social support and laws that deal with corporate predation of the poor. Quality schools and afterschool programs, vibrant community centers with thriving business etc. All this takes lots of time and investment that our country and city have not been doing well for decades so it would be a slow road but more than worth it.  But even though slow, it is possible. We can witness that other countries have been doing much better on implementing these investments than us. Just legalizing drugs, putting an end to the industrialization of our prison system and focusing on supporting the emotional health of our citizens like Portugal would be a great start. Now drug laws may feel like they are a long way from car bike safety but this is false. They are deeply related. Kids that are part of a healthy community; with healthy families, fathers that are present and meaningful employed etc, are less likely to jump into cheap cars and drive in careless or even suicidal rages. 

Investment in Soil

Here I will briefly switch analogies within the analogy to that of soil. In a garden you can invest in cheap fertilizer and pesticides for short term gain or you can invest in building great soil. In the long run great soil will be the easiest to work and yield the best returns and is better for the long term health of the environment. Investing in healthy social structures is a long term investment like soil health. If your plants are yellow or there are aphids attacking your plant you might use a short term solution but you should also be addressing long term solutions. 

Two Terms and my personal experience with them

Before I go on I would like to differentiate two terms I use and my experiences of them. “Covid-19” which I am calling “covid” is a virus that is new to humans and causes sickness, disease and even death, especially in those with other weaknesses and illnesses already. We live in the country with the highest rate of the comorbidities for covid on the planet. Within that country we live in a city that is also on the high end of comorbidities. “The war on Covid” which was/is our reaction as a culture to the dangers of “covid.”  “The War on Covid” includes: A fear of covid campaign in our media and social media, socially distancing people, mandating that we wear masks in public and sometimes closing businesses and schools, shaming “anti-vaxxers' and vaccine passports that affect how people move and live. This “war on covid” affected our social and political world in huge ways. It has torn families apart and ended friendships. Now these two things happened somewhat simultaneously, although for many like me, the “war on covid” started much earlier than the actual wide spread of “covid” itself in my community. So way before I knew anyone that was sick my business was closed, my income shriveled up, I was no longer taking part in many of the healthy activities that I normally would like yoga classes with others, dancing, singing, and hugging. I was not seeing my friends or parents. I was feeling almost constant stress and not sleeping well. My health declined and I would guess it was at least in part because of the stress and change in lifestyle. Within months, still before I knew anyone who got sick I was witnessing my tenant, previously an at risk but active and engaged 22 year old become an active alcoholic. In an effort to protect his elderly roommate he almost never left his house and started drinking large amounts of wine that he had delivered to our house. My 13 year old son lost all of his social life except on screens. He moved less, gained weight, and had little to no reason to go outside without his mother prodding him. My older son dropped out of school at UWM for a year and became addicted to videogames. He now is struggling with that addiction and very challenging sleep cycles. A year after covid came to the US both my boys and their father got covid and were fine. The elderly tenant, I and the other young man did not. My younger son still has to wear a mask at school and has had school canceled a number of times. He has been sent home because of “risk” of exposure and has had to be tested over and over just to go to school. So me and my family were slightly affected by “covid” and but highly affected by the social changes or as I call them the “war on covid” measures. The effect of the “war on covid” and how it has affected my life and how I have witnessed it affect others is something I could write a small book.. They are not up for debate because they are my truth. You can do research about each one of the negative impacts I witnessed and you will find they are wide spread. Many of these problems were already on the rise but rose even more dramatically from 2019-2021. Obesity in children and adults is way up,.. Reports of loneliness are up, Alcoholism is up, deaths by drunk driving are up. Many of these issues affect not only our social health but also our abilities to fight disease. 

Mask debate

Let's bring this all back to the masks (and I will add social distancing) debate. To see if we can be on the same page here. As I acknowledge that masks can save lives in the right circumstances I would like to see if you can acknowledge that unlike bike helmets and seatbelts, masks have more social, emotional and physical drawbacks. 

Stress and autonomic and parasympathetic nervous systems

Now the next thing I would like us to acknowledge is that social connections and emotional health affect physical health. As I acknowledge masks can help slow (or even stop) the spread of disease when used in the right way, I think it is imperative to acknowledge that humans are social animals and when we feel safe, loved and connected we have better immune system fonctions. Our autonomic and parasympathetic nervous systems are activated by what we see and take part in in our environment and social world. They act as a seesaw. When one goes up the other goes down. They both release hormones that affect not only our emotions but how our bodies function. 

The sympathetic nervous system prepares our bodies for the “fight or flight” response during any potential danger. Chronic stress also activates our sympathetic nervous system. So when people don’t feel safe, when they are told they are in danger they heal slower and can even have suppressed immune systems. This is because when there is danger our bodies put our energy into immediate fight or flight.  A person's body does not worry about fighting a cold when they are being chased by a lion. When we feel safe and relaxed the opposite is true.  

Our autonomic nervous system is activated when we feel safe and relaxed. When it is active we get less sick, we heal faster and live longer. It has been long acknowledged that all the “Blue zones” where people live the longest in the world have very strong communities. People know their neighbors. They see people smiling at them and saying their names. They feel safe. They have reasons to live. This  long life expectancy is widely thought to probably be partly because their autonomic nervous systems are activated by positive social connections and relatively relaxed social environments which fosters strong immune systems.

Nocebo effect

Also to be acknowledged is that the placebo and nocebo effects are real. We may not fully understand why this is and how the nervous systems and our beliefs play a part in health outcomes but it is well documented and part of why control groups and placebo groups in medical studies are so important. 

Stress

The “covid” and “the War on Covid”  connected to the increase of stress: 

Here is just one of thousands of articles we can find linking “covid” and “the war on covid” to an increase in stress and anxiety. 

Here is another from the CDC  “During August 2020–February 2021, the percentage of adults with recent symptoms of an anxiety or a depressive disorder increased from 36.4% to 41.5%, and the percentage of those reporting an unmet mental health care need increased from 9.2% to 11.7%. Increases were largest among adults aged 18–29 years and those with less than a high school education.” (Note here the group with the largest gain 18-29 year olds are at incredibly low personal risk for adverse reactions to “covid” itself) 

Is the ‘War on covid' part of the problem?

Now we can go deeper into this debate if these increases in stress and anxiety are correlated or causal, but first we need to admit they are happening.  If you can admit, by reading studies such as above, that an increase in anxiety and stress is happening, then we can debate the cause. I would argue that the ‘war on covid' is a large part of the problem because of my personal experiences and what I have witnessed and what I have read and researched. I would argue that when we do not have the opportunity to see people smile at us, that when we see a mask on another person's face it activeats our sympathetic nervous system because we are reminded, or told through the sight of the mask, that there is a dangerous disease out there.  With nocebo in mind, we can ask if there is a nocebo effect in place when we see them on others and are told to wear one. That is, do they send a message to people that they are likely to have negative outcomes if they get covid? I would argue that they do have a nocebo effect. This may actually be the opposite for you. Masks in public may help you feel safe. But I would point to the above studies on stress and anxiety to suggest that you are likely in the minority. If Americans are more stressed than ever than there could easily be muntipl factors causing that up-turn in stress. Perhaps it can all be blamed on just “covid” but that seems unlikely as for most people in the US the virus itself was not even in full swing at all until long after the increase in reported stress happened and the vast majority of people have actually come through their encounter with the disease unscathed. (As for “Long covid” we could engage in a whole new discussion and investigation, as I realize it is worrisome to many, but I will just leave this link here.) We could also likely put partial blame on the “war on covid” and things like mask wearing. This will be hard to prove but is certainly up for debate. With the nocebo effect in mind, the continued heaping of fear in our people can be considered not only sad, but dangerous and irresponsible, as it increases the risk that when people are exposed ot covid they are at far greater risk of adverse effects. (Here is Dr.Vinay Prasads take on trying to begin to tease out the differences of how “covid” and our “reactions to covid” affected us) 

So when I go to the grocery store and there is a sign that danger to covid is in the “red zone” and masks are required, I see a sign that is actually perhaps putting people in more danger as it is lowering their immune system and helping them believe when they get sick that they are in more danger of dying. As you can guess this triggers me to feel protective of my people and angry about this irresponsible behavior the same way I imagine you may feel when you see someone unmasked because you have been adhering to a different train of thought, that that is risky behavior. 

Masks possibly be a detriment to health

So it is up for debate if masks can be a detriment to our health, but there is strong evidence that they might be and for sure evidence that they are part of a systemic reaction to covid that has been unhelpful and even dangerous. So I would then argue that unlike seatbelts and bike helmets, the implementation (and mandating) of masks in public places such as stores, yoga studios and schools is not clearly benign but actually risky and so must be done when there is only strong proof of a benefit or increase of safety in another area. 

NOW we get to now. 

Now there is still some proof that masks will slow the spread of a virus. There is also proof that covid is not going away. It has been around for 2 years. The vast majority of our population has been exposed to it at least once and there is a vaccine that decreases the risk of severe illness. Our hospitals have had two years to prepare and the peak of covid spread is past. Given all these variables and the downside of masks we must do a risk/benefit analysis. I have personally done mine and decided that the continued use of masks is like the use of bike helmets in our above metaphorical story of wearing bike helmets on the sidewalk. But worse in that there is a risk that it is detrimental to our health. Like helmets, it is just nicer to not wear a mask. Like bike helmets when walking on the sidewalk, wearing a mask in public is currently not saving any worthy number of lives. It is distracting us from focusing on longer term solutions, and more than bike helmets it can be argued to be unsafe and unhealthy.

NOW we can understand it is no longer time to mandate masks but to time to invest in long term health. Like investing in bike paths instead of mandating helmets. Because obesity, diabetes and sleep disorders play such huge roles in negative outcomes to covid, we can work to educate Dr’s on how to educate their patients about diets and healthy lifestyles choices. We can have a health propaganda campaign instead of a fear of covide campaign. Perhaps we can mandate longer times for Dr’s to spend with patients. Perhaps we can regulate ads for junk food. We can work on better food in our school lunches… Most of the solutions I imagined for the reckless driving problem above would also apply. This also could be a book of ways we could be creatively proactive in healing our communities and there are books out there already. So I will refrain from listing them further but I assume any reader who got to this point can imagine ways to be proactive and build the “soil of health” in our city and country. 

We both have the same goal. We want healthy, relatively safe communities. We may see the paths to doing that differently, but by listening to others, researching, and thinking creatively and proactively, perhaps we can find ways to agree on what health and safety look like and how to implement programs and policies that increase them. 

I am still here

 

I am still here

The game

cinnamon, paint,

chickens we do not need, gardens that do not feed us

We keep shuffling forward

Playing at house and peace and learning

But I am still here

Even if I can save no one

Not even myself

Even if my best is not good enough

Even as in distant lands the war rages

Even as our houses crumble and we

and our neighbors

shoot ourselves up

With whatever we can get our hands on

Electric dreams, virtual hugs

Cans, viles, pipes

of temporary rightness

Maybe one day i will be bold

And sunshine will flow from my lips and fingertips

Or i will fly from a bridge up

Up into the either

But today I, you,

we have made it through another day

Even as my world crumbles into craziness

Or I see the craziness of how our world was created

How futile to be born just to fight dying

Crazy crazy people

Give up the fight

You can not win

Kneel down

Kneel down

Kneel down and give up

Caste aside the illusions of what our enemies are

Cast aside your fight

Oh great being we so want you to exist

To save us from meaninglessness.

Oh sweet belief

Come down and kiss us

Carry this burden for us

But if i let go

Let go deep

Deep into the gorge

Of the pain,

there,

For an instant I feel relief

There i see again

I am still here.

Again I taste the bitter sweetness

And tomorrow I may stand

Waiting before the sunlight

Knowing i do not know

I will step forward

Goodbye

 Today I drove my friend to have her most beautiful dog, Olivia, put to sleep. In her honor a poem came for all the goodbyes I have made or ever will make.  Today could be our last day. I will love while I can.  

Goodbye Olivia and your sweet loving eyes, pools of wonder, and the little stick or gift you would bring me every time I came over. 

Goodbye Beaver, your beauty and unending devotion 

Goodbye Ray and your sexy lopsided smile and your stories of galavanting through the world

Goodbye to my children being babies I can hold

Goodbye to nursing and falling asleep with a baby in my arms

Goodbye to toddlers running through my house

Goodbye to being the mother of giddy children who dance and do somersaults on the couch

Goodbye to endless hours of reading to children in bed

Goodbye to my youthful skin and long dark hair

Goodbye to having a young sexy body 

Goodbye to the joy of playing dressing up and admiring my maidenhood

Goodbye to big eyes to put mascara on

Goodbye to talking to my best friend on the phone for hours

And Goodbye to the years my mother was my best friend and we reveled in the joy of having been brought together

Goodbye to my mother

And to my father, getting ready to leave this world

My protectors and admires. 

Goodbye to the drama and excitement of youth and being in love for the first time 

Goodbye to innocence and hopes and dreams

Goodbye falling in love with writing and dancing and music

Goodbye to my children, I hope I leave first and you weep and weep and then have a beautiful world to carry on in

Goodby to partners and all the pulling and struggling we did

And all the sharing and being there for each other

Goodbye to gardens and trees and leaves and all the wonderful sounds of the world

And the million of shades of color

Goodbye cold air and warm sun and moon light

Goodbye to the hum of life and tortured humanity, I love you and forgive you

And I am so grateful to have seen you and felt you. 

I did not know I was thirsty
until I saw the water
I didn't know how much my heart needed you
until I saw your eyes
and joined my voice with yours
I did not know the hunger in my soul
until I felt again
the completeness of connecting to others

I danced with my mother tonight

I danced with my mother tonight

And she watched me dance.

There will be a last time we dance 

Together

Smiling, laughing  

Or not 

looking at each other.

A last time she dances

Doing that thing she does with her mouth

Wiggling her hips, strutting 

Clapping here and there to the music

Her legs that no longer fully straighten or fully bend

still stoat, still move close to in time with the beat.

There will be a last time I dance for her 

Have her adoring mother eyes gaze upon me as if I were a gift of wonder 

she is beholding. 

There will be a last time 

I dance

A last time I turn 

And spin

A last time I hear music

And let all the rage and frustrations 

All the years of disappointment come shattering out 

I last time I roll and stretch on the sweet wood of the studio floor

And wrap my myself around the rhythm of the crushing beauty and pain

and then feel my arms 

My arms 

turn into feathers and wings

and float up 

and touch heaven

I don't want to convince you

I don't want to convince you
or cajol you
argue with you
or take from you
I don't want to triumph over you
or defeat you
I don't want to impress you
or defend myself to you
nor gain your admiration
I don't want to lead you
or teach you

I just want to look into your eyes
and see you
just you
I want to see the tears well up
the pools of water
ready to leave you
I want to reach back with you
through this life time
and all the ones before
and rage at the incomprehensible pain of it all
the terribleness of our gods
how forsaken we are
abused
neglected

Today I want to press my lips to your salty forehead
stroke your soft wrinkled hand
your powdery youthful cheek
I want to hold your shaking shoulders
kneel beside you
and hear our guts
try to roar out of our mouths
I want to come to that moment
with you
where you have to stop crying to take a new breath
else you choke
oh why why
were we put here?
why were we made like this?
I want to let our questions
our pain
rise up in the air
and feel it join all the ones before
and know
and know
know
that we are not alone.




Questions not included in Poem:
why do we fight to stay alive
why do we torment others,
pass our pain on and on and on?
why must we be given gifts
just to have them stolen away?

A wild run

In general, I am averse to risk
I am homebody, a nester

But
I know the pleasure of running down a hill, your legs spinning under you,
you realize you've lost control, you might trip at any moment
and you are scared,
tumbling
feeling the air with each bounce
but also
you are wild and free
carefree of the crash until it happens
In awe of the risk
caught in the wonder of momentum
for a few seconds, time is timeless
the end has not been reached
and the joy of being alive bursts through your body
extends out
and wraps your tiny self
around the whole great earth

Body of Civilization
now we are running
down the hill
tumbling faster than we can control
scared
sad
but oh what a wild ride it has been
how beautiful the music we have created
the lights and explosions we released
The power of the sun we liberated from wood and gas
and the magic of understanding
We have lifted our selves up into the sky
and talked through the clouds
We swam with dolphins
and made millions of babies
and millions of laughs
We looked at tiny crystal cells and mapped our genes

Civilization, I am but one cell in your body
and I weep for our choice
But I love you
I forgive you
and I am grateful for the wild ride












 

A hole is never empty

A hole is never empty

Something always fills it

Air

or water

or sand

Bark 

Or bugs

Leaves

Minerals 

Blood

scar 

puss

Pain

or time

or love

A hole is never empty

Something always fills it

Silence as big as a mountain 

Or a baby’s cry

Like children at the beach

We learn 

The edges collapse 

And the water rushes in

Never Become a Dancer

Never become a writer
Write to get the fever down
because the words come tumbling out
Write to return the river to the sea
and feel the center of the earth

Never become a scientist
Wonder because you don’t know
Explore because it is so beautiful
Look because the world is before you, falling at your feet
and you can’t look away
Search because love leads you
to try

Never become a musician
Make music to save your self
Sing at the sky because it is so wide
because your voice flies up into the air by its own will
Sing because you can feel the stars singing back into you
because you can feel it comfort all the lost souls
Bang on the drum because your heart knows
for all the infinite yeses out there
Pull on the strings because they ring out the truth of your soul
Make music because your longings will go unanswered
but while the tone is going your thirst
will be quenched

Don't become a dancer
Dance because you are free and wild
because the beat is running up your spine
Dance because you have to
Because you want to
Because God loves you
and forsakes you

Again

Again the cat calls to say he has brought a gift
while I lay in bed
thinking about the son I don't live with right now
the child I no longer cook dinner for each night
he is 12
13 in one month
Again no poem
for the men I love
the choices made and unmade
again I don't understand
Love
no words for the sadness I can't even feel
again I think about
turn over in my mind
the dire warnings about our climate
all the attempts at change
the huge ship of our humanity unable to stop sliding in the direction....
I hear the whir of the city, like the ocean in the distance
always louder and clearer on a cloudy night
again I think about my sons and their future
again I imagine the last time I will see them
how we all might end
again I get out of bed
The cat has brought a mouse
I pet him to tell him it is good
and step by to go to the bathroom
thinking I will get a piece of paper to pick it up with in a moment.
I hear him start to crunch on the mouse
I think perhaps its skull
In the time it takes me
he has finished
it is gone
I turn on the light to see
to clean the floor
but there is no sign of it
like it never was
No mouse
No body or blood on the floor
just purring cat
gleaming white chest
asking to be pet
I stand up and I pick up my cell phone
by habit
again
It has a warning on it
of flash floods
again I put it down
and go to write a poem in the dark
on my glowing computer screen
and try to pay attention
to what brings the tears

Best way to remove stains

I find the internet full of differing opinions and advise that is just to buy a product when I search for advise. So I am going to keep a list of ways that I remove stains that i have tried and know work here. i will add as i use them and they work.

Remove plum, fruit, berry stains from cotton:
first I put some salt and enzymes for cleaning on it. not sure this did anything
Right away; keep wet. Stretch fabric over bowl and pour boiling water over it.  This worked after the enzymes

Die now

I see it clearly,
the dying
So die now so beautifully
so ugly
Melt away before my eyes
Dry up, crumple, shrivel and mold
Rot
Fight the dying
Flail your arms
Crawl on top of each other to get out
Struggle to save each other
Lick
the wounds out
the goo off each others wings
Balm
each others hearts
Splint
your limbs so you may drag on a little more
But my eyes are Gods
and they told me
We are doomed
We are gifted
with returning
releasing
and now at our crowning pinnacle of glory and gore,
blazing brilliance and raging anguish
we are falling like rain
ready like leaves before fall
So shimmer now
one more time for me
Let me tell you I love you
I am so happy we were here
together
Oh you were raining stars
so beautiful
If you only knew how beautiful you are
your heart would explode
It would explode with the power of the first moment
and a new universe would be born
for that is what happens every time a soul explodes
into truth
Oh lover, friend,
don’t keep yourself from weeping
because it is the cruelest goodbye and hello
Our God is terrible
and kind
Their loving arms
will scorch
Their kiss is sweet

but it will burn away our bones

I almost wrote you a poem

I almost wrote you a poem
but then I turned on my computer
and got lost
I read about a woman who left her kids in her car on a bridge
and jumped off

I saw some posts
about where we are as a species
and our climate
and the teenagers that are working
to try and turn us around

then I read a text from my sister
and sent her a contacts info
and got working on a spread sheet
so I could record
the names and numbers
of the people
who will come and sing with us
I typed and moved
and fixed

and then
after getting lost on work of digits and details and words

I stepped outside
and saw
the still life of the bike
parked by the side of the house
the shadows cast and the ground reflecting the light of the city sky
and the chamomile flowers glowing
like polka dots in the dark garden

and I remembered
that I was going to write you
a poem

Sometimes in life

Sometimes in life
you have to choose
between
one sadness
and another.

There are no other roads in front of you
no other deals
no other cards

So you choose a path
you make your choice
turn in your card

and look in the face of sadness
she becomes your partner
your company
she rides along side you

If I could have I would have given you a house full of people
who loved you
and a neighborhood full of children to play with
I would have given you gardens
and flowers
and music
I would have lavished my love on you
I would have brushed your hair
and fed you breakfast in the morning

but we were given what we were given
we have our cages and habits
our addictions and patterns

I have no other roads I see
or can find
so we walk
we walk
lost on the only road we can find.

Crazy Momma Earth

Momma earth is not always a kind mother
because really she is kinda crazy
in turmoil
she may give you everything you need
sometimes
but then when you are in need she may turn her back to you

She is a drama queen
often enamored with power
Sometimes she favors her sons that are jerks, assholes 
and forsakes those who have cared for her
the timid and small

She throws fits
and breaks everything
and her poor children left confused and forlorn
crawling for shelter
rejected and ignored

Oh she loves us so much
but she forgets about us

She cries "Why have I birthed my babies
just to leave and ignore them?"
but she must
let them go
and trust they will go on their way
as she goes off to party
and play
and fight with her lovers
and then roll over in her crushing pain
and curling into her molten core
like baby herself
crying in her confusion

Our love at first
our spirts encountering each other
light
towers
spears shooting into the air
shinning
sparkling in the sun,
sailing epiphanies
Then the physical
super delicious, sweet curvy
juicy
sliding, pushing, slipping
licking
into dark tunnels
and bending fabric slides
then clouds
catching us
billows of trust
pillows
resting comfort home
and all the things i wanted to tell you
from my long journey
stories tumbling out
and then
the pain of being here
in this world
still.
doubt
fear
and the work
of building a bottom
slow
laying the bricks of trust
over and over
that hold up
our spirts
as they walk

The taste of snow with Gio

For my son Gio. 

Shortly before my grandma died 

she sat up, totally alert for a moment and said

“oh the lemon meringue pies, they were so good!” 

She was a great pie maker. 

And the lemon meringue was so good.  

Sweet yellow that melted on your tongue 

They were the last words my mother heard from her lips.

And now I see, I remember again,

that if I imagine 

what I would say on my deathbed, it would be 

"the nights shoveling snow with you, Gio, Weren't they wonderful?!" 

The snow softly falling to the ground around us. undoing our work

Your joy in moving your body, in working, so capable, so alive that we would shovel all the neighbors walks too, the street around all the cars, down to the bus stop.

The dark of the sky lightened to pink by the city lights. 

I can smell, taste now the snow melting on our wet winter cloths, warmth of our bodies. The snow itself. The air

Maybe cold toes or fingers, 

Then maybe so hot from working we took off our hats and unbuttoned our coats 

felt the cold on our ears, air flowing through our shirts and sweaters to our chests 

my heart so full of the rightness.

Now I know 

that sometimes once you do something with someone 

you can never do it without them again

I can not shovel snow and not feel that you too are there

in me

moving with me. 

Enjoying the wonder 

the stuff of life 

and being alive 

in it.