until we go

All things
collected together
make a storm
and a calm
every thought and mountain
all the things that we are
the sweetness of lips
the tears we shed
the dragons of pain
spit flying from angry mouths
the trampled spring grass
dogs playing free in the park
the snow that fell and melted
was
all things that I hold in my chest
that smile,
like the yellow flower in the brown leaves.
every truth
stuns me
that they live together
in the smallest space
the biggest world

from this day I release fear.
I will live looking at death
and her wonder
knowing she loves me
as much as my mothers blood
and until I let her wrap me in her arms I will flirt with her with joy
I will mould myself, a brave warrior
in the jungle of sunlight
and mystery
I will give it all away again and again
and I will kiss the ones I love
again and again
until we go.

maybe you are angry

Maybe when you were a baby your mother was told not to pick you up when you cried,
not to sleep with you and your perfect body.
Maybe she did not offer you milk from her warm body.
Maybe you were taught to pee and shit in your pants and then a few years later yelled at when you did.
Maybe your mother was gone, or your father, maybe they had no support and were alone and angry, Maybe you were abused, yelled at by the ones you loved. Told you were not enough, not ok as you were. Maybe you were raped.  Maybe you went to school and were teased because of the shape of your eyes, because you were fat or had a lisp, you dressed funny.  Maybe you were told not to like what you liked: the color pink or the same sex or dancing or...  Maybe you cried because you did not want to go but were made to.  Maybe you live two miles form a huge lake and have never seen it.  Maybe you have never been told you are good, magical and lovable.  Maybe you have never put your hands into you mother earth or eaten fresh food from a tree.
And then the media told you you were not right, your hair is to frizzy, you don't have enough friends, your family weird, your breath and body smelly.  That you shouldn't talk about sex, or touch yourself at night. That you gender is weak or violent, your skin color a sign of being inferior.
Maybe you were told there was a road to happiness through how you looked or what you owned or though how much power and money you have.  Maybe you were beaten on the street after you left the corner store, or watched others die from violence or neglect.
Maybe now you work a job that shakes your body and vibrates in your ears until you ache.  Maybe you are yelled at by your boss or looked down at and feel you can't leave.  Maybe over and over again you cut open carcasses of cows and stand in stinking blood, you wrists, your body in pain. Maybe you are invisible and feel like no one needs you.
Maybe you long to be loved but only feel warmth and safety from a bottle or from pills. Maybe you hate the person you have become and how you treat the mother or father of your children. maybe you beat the ones you love.  Or ignore them because it is just too hard.  Maybe your body just hurts
and you are alone
and maybe now
Now you are angry.

writing about music

No matter

the fear

or pain

how big the hole of loss or the confusion

how crumpled and useless it seems

hopeless our prospects

as long as i fling my body

my voice, out into space

as long as i am intwined with music

touching every molecule I can find

with the shape of me

hugging nothingness

as long as i join with others

as long as i give it all away

to the melody

the rhythm

everything

is ok.

thankful for rice

As thankful as I am
for rice
and the sliding of children's feet in socks on wood floors
for feeling the sun in warm lips.
That the lies you told me,
that we told ourselves
can be forgiven.
As thankful as I am
that today
the body on the stretcher
was not my loves
that you are all right
that blood is flowing to each cell of you skin
and that a cut with a knife
would cause you pain
As sad as I am that your mind
sent you to hell
for a life time
until your children cringe to hear your voice.
For the hair
of a dead woman
still sitting in your drawer.
As bitter sweet as it is now
to see your eyes
close to tears
as you realize there is nothing
but your body
this life
and the pain
and the longing to be seen and held
like the child
you were so many years ago.

wild tame thing

I remember as a child they said she was a "wild girl"
drank too much, ran with the boys
didn't listen to her mother.
30 years later she told me
she told me that when she was a teenager 
she would go into the woods and take off her cloths and lay on the forest floor
how it felt so right
and yet she told no one
for shame of its wrongness

We are tamed
living in our beautiful cage
our stimulating environment,
yesterday, 9 year old boy
we go, discovery world
look at other animals in cages and pools
touch the water they swim in
pull levers and switches

Today, same boy, breaking bubbles in the ice
finally lays
his whole body
down
on the smooth frozen water
stretching out
feeling the fabric of his coat as it slides
on the strangely soft hardness
he lets his body float on its surface
laying
rolling
over to look at the branches of trees
and sky above him
and as I walk to him
I cry
to see him so at home
laying on his mother
nothing but rightness

crazy graden

Celebration
I can eat with you
in my mind
poems that paint rainbows of wonderful nonsense.
all the dancing on clouds we could do.
all the running with hands full of popcorn
cheeks full of love
smiles falling like rain
you on a mattress of leaves
falling into the center of the earth
caramelized stars swirling around our heads
chew on my hair
flick flies into space
skate off the edge of the earth
with me
holding hands
just bath me in whats beautiful
feed me ginger syrup and tangerines
tell me you love me and how beautiful my eyes are.
touch me until I see the colors of
geranium petals sparkling in the sunlight
until I open my mouth and let flower petals spill all over your bed.
let paper foxes run over my perfect body
rivers run under my body
and carry me away to the most amazing world
distant lands
covered with magical beads
that I gather and fill my mouth with again
until I smile at you
and they all spill out
falling to the ground and springing into the craziest most beautiful garden
that crawls up our bodies
its too late to make sense
my heart has floated to high
my throat is too full
I danced to many dances
opened my heart too wide
spread my legs to easily
dived into too many garbage dumpsters
rubbed too raw
and ate more sugar than I needed
and its ok, no one can read my hand writing anyway
no one will know the secret of everything
and nothing
that I tried
to bite from your lips.

Love letter to my body

Love letter to my body
The only one for me
given to me by a million mothers and grandmothers
fathers and grandfathers
by millenniums of creatures
surviving
working together
eating, sharing, pooping, taking
creating
and then me
the current point of the arrow
flying through space, eating sun light
sweating and crying sea water
water flowing through me
everyday
dreaming dying back up into the sky every night
pressing my heart into others
pushing my legs off the ground
thighs!
just those alone
how I love you legs
you carry me each day
helped me carry my babies
bring groceries up three flights of stairs
never asking for more than you need
devoted
workers
and yet you love to play
dance
be touched
race, spring
capture the flag, jump over logs, leaves flying, twigs snapping
dancing on metal blades on ice
so fine and large and strong
and hands!  hands
touch feather light on skin, explore curves, lips, with wonder,
details, painting dots, writing poems
partner to my eyes
oh beautiful eyes
that see all the delicious colors
all the people I love

and the darkness of vast space

through the block holes in the center of their eyes

the sun radiating from their smiles and then feel the warmth of

it in my own heart

oh beautiful body
i love you more than any words can say
and I mourn
that I will leave you one day
that every precious cell
will sperate
leave each other
melt back into the soil
float back up into the sky
forgetting the touch
of holding my sweet babies
oh sweet home body
so glad I was given you
you were given me.  your magic combination
you
me
my bit of sea water star dust
miracle muscle power vibration shaking tearing open rejoicing
never forgetting
and yet so forgettable
like my great great grandmother
who I know nothing about
not even her name
and yet I owe her my life